so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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