So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
