Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize