new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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