roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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