somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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