How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
