What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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