Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
