I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
