Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
