just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
