I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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