I think my fart just growled at me.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Randomize
