They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
