He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Randomize
