How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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