he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
