Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
