guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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