He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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