Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
