What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize