Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
