just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
