Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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