The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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