I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
