It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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