Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
