I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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