If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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