So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
