btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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