Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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