your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Randomize