he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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