Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
