I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
