i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Randomize
