The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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