Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
