We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
