How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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