I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
