When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
And the cops told us we were all naked.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
