She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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