I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
