we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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