Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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