I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
