so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
