If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
