life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
