Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
