Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
