What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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